While I was power washing the pathways of my local yacht club I got to thinking. Mega Yachts….who needs them? Hold on a second and I will tell you.
What a glorious and splendid craft they are. Large and luxurious designated for the wealthy to sail, excuse me, motor the seven seas. They can choose almost any anchorage they want because rule of tonnage you know, and have a variety of toys to play on that individually exceed the value of most of our personal watercraft of choice. Aren’t their jet skis made of jewel encrusted solid gold? This isn’t the alluring part that attracts the super wealthy to purchasing a mega yacht or to charter one though. Its sofas! You read that right. Sofas! Couches. Love seats. Settees. Canape. Futon. Chesterfield. El Sofa.
While the interior and exteriors have exquisite craftsmanship and attention to detail it is very apparent that the more sofas you have, the more incredible the yacht. Like rooms in a mansion, you just fill them up with sofas. Even if your yacht is smaller than the 200’ foot work of art sitting next to you, more places to rest your behind or sprawl out clearly separates your tax bracket from the billionaire in the slip at the end of the marina. Have a look at some of the examples I have shown you. Look at all the sofas! In my observations through worldly travels I have never seen these sofas full of people. In fact they are nearly always empty. Do you know why that is? You guessed it. To preserve their value.
Why have all those gorgeous modern sofas sitting around if they are not going to be used? Everybody asks this question. People with a great deal of sofas on their yacht understand their value. It’s to increase their life span in holding up to elements of nature keen on seeking to degrade the sofa’s existence. So, the owners restrict the resting of butts as well. In fact, they almost never use them either. When chartering, our intelligence finds you must first sign a waiver agreeing to limited use of the sofas. I think it said once per day for leisure, but preferably not at all. It is allowable in certain situations like heat prostration, exposure to too much bubbly, and certain black out situations due to pill and alcohol combinations. Being super wealthy on a mega yacht is hard so I understand the seeking of escape. This could be considered a first aid relief provision though no such language was found. It is our assumption at Wild Rover Sailing that they do not want liquids or body fluids of ANY kind touching the yacht’s sofas for fear of ruining on board photography, selfies, or imagery from an aerial perspective. There is always an overpriced magazine photographer lurking, waiting to snap another picture so the sofas must be clear of all guests and be in immaculate condition.
And why is it you never seen anyone but crew aboard mega yachts? Do they even use the sofas? The value of sofas aboard mega yachts is so high that it is said to surpass the value of the engines and hull manufacturing combined. That number has got to be astronomical. We could not ascertain anyone to answer this elusive question. Despite the lively show “Below Decks” it is our contention that most crew are actually robots who are force fed traumatic memories to provide an overly dramatic drama on film and purposefully rated at an 8 or higher on the Hottie Scale. We managed to capture an interview with one of these robots who wishes to remain anonymous, and be referred to as “Hotbot.” He says “Below Deck is trash! No mega yacht owner would ever allow use of the sofas in the frolicking manner we see there. They would withhold oil for limbs or dump us overboard. Do you know what saltwater exposure does to us?” So now we know this show is totally false for the manner in which sofas are used.
It is my opinion that sofas are not to be used is because they are not gimbaled. On mega yachts OR sailboats for that matter. They should sway like a stove or hammock, but they don’t. Which leads all of us to the conclusion that sofas are only for show and never to be used. This theory is my own and not a popular one I find though it makes perfect sense if you think about it, and boats underway. If used, they significantly decrease the value of your boat. You heard it here first. Keep your derriere and precious rear off! Hang a sign if you must. No more “but look, it breaks down into a bed to sleep more people.” Way wrong answer! This is a RV mentality that we don’t succumb to in the marine industry. Sleep or pass out elsewhere. You’ve been warned!
Mega Yachts are crazy yet spectacular designs. I know what you’re thinking. If I get more sofas on my boat will that increase its value? The answer to that is yes. The more sofas, the higher the price tag. The issue is nobody quite knows what they have yet it’s in every major marina and on every magazine shelf to see staring us in the face. Sofas on boats!
Soon we will discuss the benefit of additional sofas on sailboats. Will be they be gimbaled? How can I adjust the layout to include more? Stay Tuned for more fun news with Wild Rover Sailing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some sofa shopping to do.
Article by Michael Tieman
Wild Rover Sailing